Rurouni Kenshin's Nightmare of a Sue
by TormentingAllLemmings
Summary: A parody of a Sue in the Rurouni Kenshin universe. Rated for language and !Sue!violence! First in Nightmare of a Sue series. ONESHOT.


Summery: A parody of Mary-Sues in the Rurouni Kenshin universe, basically. One-shot.

Warning: Uh...kinda stupid?

Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own any RK characters. Sadder, I own the plot and MS. Thanks Ravenbell for fixing my spelling - I re-uploaded it to correct them.

This is a one-shot, and meant to be funny and dumb and not-that-good, so please don't take offense or flame me. Please review if you read.

* * *

It was a sunny spring day – lots of flowers, sweetly-swinging birds, and a gentle breeze moved through the trees. The perfume of nature wafted into the passer's nose, and – 

"Hey, wait a damn sec!" Sano interrupted, "What the hell is this, anyway?"

"Whatever it is, I've got a bad feeling about it," Yahiko added, shivering, "Something's giving me the creeps!"

"We better go find Kenshin and the others," Saito added grimly, and looked around curiously. "How did I get here, anyway?"

"Beats me," Sano shrugged, "I told you something was off. Let's go."

"Yeah!" Yahiko shouted, and the three headed off toward the Akabeko.

* * *

"I hear some noise coming from over there," Sano pointed, and they headed inside a tavern. To their shock and dismay, Kenshin was kneeling beside some woman, pouring out his love for her, and swearing never to kill again. 

"I thought he already swore never to kill again," Yahiko whispered, and Saito shrugged.

"This is crazy! Ack – _Aoshi_?" Sano blinked in shock, seeing the formidable Oniwaban leader swooning over the afore-mentioned maiden.

Her hair glittered with dazzling sparkles, and her eyes glowed like nothing else ever had on the face of the earth. Her beauty dazzled all who saw her, and she was the most perfect creature on earth.

"My name's Mary-Sue!" she waved to the three stunned sane people left, "Come on and join us!"

"Where's Kaoru?" Sano whispered, and Yahiko looked around desperately. To their horror, she was sitting out in an alley, sobbing.

"I'll take care of things here," Saito said, "Go get the wench and let's leave."

"Kaoru's not a wench!" Yahiko began to argue, before Sano dragged him along.

* * *

"Kaoru, what's the matter?" Sano asked, completely confused. Which was understandable, considering that he was still blind from the sparkles. 

"I'll…never be as perfect…as Mary-Sue!" she sobbed, and then suddenly perked up as if nothing had happened. "But Kenshin loves her, so everything's fine! It doesn't matter that I love him with all my heart, or that I usually try to maim him when he acts like a jerk! Mary-Sue is my bestest friend!"

"What the _hell_?" Sano also swore in several languages, and Yahiko listened in amazement. Remembering where he was, Sano blinked and turned to him sternly. "If I ever hear you repeat that, you're dead."

"S-sure," he nodded, and then winced as screams were heard from inside the tavern. "Maybe we shouldn't have let Saito take care of things after all."

Sano groaned, and the two rushed inside, leaving the !podKaoru! to her own devices.

* * *

"What are you _doing_?" Yahiko demanded, and Saito looked up calmly. Both !podAoshi! and !podKenshin! were unconscious on the floor, with the Mary-Sue in a dazzling rage. Her eyes flashed pink or something like that, and she stomped her foot. 

"How dare you!" she screeched, causing them to cover their ears. "I am Mary-Sue! You can't do that!"

"Uh…we better get going," Sano said hastily, and the two men began to drag the unconscious warriors outside, followed by Yahiko.

"Get back here, or I'll kill you with my magical powers!" she screamed, beginning to chase them. Sano quickly abandoned !podAoshi! by the side of the road, and Saito followed suit with !podKenshin!.

"We're coming back for them, right?" Yahiko asked, panting, and Sano nodded.

"Yeah, sure whatever, if we live!"

* * *

"Um…since when is she a master swordswoman?" Sano asked in confusion, as they faced off with the raging beauty. 

"Since I fought with Kenshin in the war!" she announced, "I was orphaned as a child, and Aoshi took me in! I fell in love with him, and Kenshin and I were bitter rivals! After I killed Shishio – "

"I thought _we_ killed him," Yahiko whispered, and Sano groaned.

"I fell in love with Kenshin as well, after I moved in with them because I had no place else to go and Kaoru needed my help," Mary-Sue continued. She stopped in sudden realization that Saito was yawning, Sano was busy drinking sake from somewhere, and Yahiko was completely tuning her out.

"DIE!" she screamed, capitalizing all letters for a more dramatic effect. Lunging at them, she used her magical powers to knock Sano unconscious, and used her awesomeness sword skills to defeat Saito.

"Oh crap!" Yahiko blinked, and looked around wildly. To his shock, Kenshin and Aoshi were running up the road.

"Outta my way!" the now-normal (kinda) Kenshin screamed, shoving both Yahiko and the Mary-Sue aside. Aoshi merely rushed past in a blur.

Looking to see what they were running from, Yahiko gasped as he saw Kaoru racing after them, in a murderous rage.

"You two-timing _jerk_!" she shouted after him, "And Aoshi! How could you do that? Kenshin, when I get my hands on you…_you_!" Kaoru stopped dead in her tracks, seeing the Mary-Sue.

"Yes, me, your bestest friend!" she said happily. Kaoru narrowed her eyes, rolled up her sleeves, and took a step forward.

"Like fucking hell you are!" she shouted, before lunging at the Sue. Yahiko blinked, having never heard Kaoru swear before, and then just counted his luck that she wasn't after_ him_ too.

Backing away slowly from the catfight, he stumbled over the now-waking Sano, who groaned.

"Ow…damn, that hurt," he rubbed his head, "Wait – is that Kaoru?"

"Looks like that wench is putting up a good fight," Saito commented, getting to his feet. They watched as Kaoru continued to whale into the Mary-Sue, who, even with all her Sue-y powers, was no match for a real character.

* * *

Within minutes, the Sue lay dead on the ground, and Kaoru brushed her hands off happily. She took a step toward them, and they quickly backed off. 

"Oh, I'm not mad at _you_!" she said cheerily, and then looked around darkly. "But where's Kenshin?"

"There," Yahiko pointed quickly down the road, where the two men had stopped for breath. They looked up in horror as Kaoru began to stalk their way, and ran off again.

"Why'd you do that?" Sano asked in confusion, watching happily as the Sue's body began to dissipate, and vanish into the atmosphere. Suddenly, the world seemed less sparkaly, less bright, and less cheerful, but that was fine as hell with him.

"It was them or us," Yahiko pointed out, "And I wasn't gonna help them."

"Good point," Saito agreed, and turned around, "I need a drink. One Sue down – thousands more to go."

"Good Kami!" Sano groaned, plodding after them, "Why are we the only sane ones left?"

"Oh yeah? Wait until you and Kenshin are a couple, and Aoshi – mmph!" Yahiko was cut off by Saito's slap, and Sano merely yawned.

"Yeah, I really need a fucking drink," he agreed, and led the way back to a tavern.

* * *

Language, yes. I wrote this VERY early/late in the morning/night, but I thought it was worth posting. If you like it and want me to try another one, I will. Please review! 


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